Thoughts

A while ago I wrote a long and whiny blog. No, you didn't miss it. I never hit that publish post button. Mostly I wanted to express some strange emotions I've been having lately. But now I've heard from a few of my fellow classmates that those emotions weren't so strange after all. Many of us recent graduates are struggling, trying to find our new path.

Here is how I have been feeling lately ... like I have nothing. My brain says that I am crazy. Just look at all that I have: a husband who has put up with a ton and stood by my side as I struggle, two beautiful daughters who make every day worth living, a newly received diploma (signed even) from Bemidji State University saying that I have graduated Summa Cum Laude, I have a home, my extended family loves and supports my every move and I have a few awesome friends who would give their all for me.

Here is what I no longer have: I no longer have days that are filled to the brim with kids and family and work and school and the house. I no longer have a WORK reason to wake up and smile every morning. I no longer spend my day with 22 beautiful 2nd graders. In short, my body is coming down from being so high-strung for so long that just a "normal" life is just not enough.

I am struggling nearly every day with these emotions of not having what I need in my life. I am hopeful that now that my days are consumed with applications and (hopefully) interviews I will find a job that fills a bit of the void that is in my life right now. I am excited right now. I have sent out four applications and have interviews with three of them already lined up. Those seem like pretty good odds. Hopefully I'll land a job (or two) out of this.

I do know that I am blessed. I have so much that many do not have. I just need that one last thing to make my life perfect ... spending my days teaching would be the icing on the cake. If you are the praying type, please say an extra prayer or two for me tomorrow as I complete two interviews, one at 9:00 and one at 1:00.